Oops!... I Did It Again

Yes, I know Britney, I am frustrated with myself too...

Yet again, I am coming into winter with a jacket that is too small for me. I really did not intend for this to happen, this wasn't one of those motivational purchases to help me shed weight. When it started getting cold I spent hours shopping in the city trying to find a jacket that I liked, that fit me and that didn't cost $700. Unfortunately I was not successful so I turned to online shopping for help. I ended up finding two jackets that were on sale from Boohoo.com, the first one being only $54 and perfect for wearing to work and the second one only $30 and great for casual weekend wear. Awesome!

Well, not so awesome as it turns out. When I got my new purchases in the mail and tried them on I discovered that they did not fit me at all. Once again, I will be freezing my arse off until I can manage to slim down enough to squeeze into my jackets. I guess being tortured by freezing conditions is one way to motivate myself...

I just hope that I am just as successful as I was last year at getting into my winter jacket. Until then, I will need to buy thermals!

Rollercoaster

Arghhh. Ever since I went to Thailand at the start of March I have stuck my head in the sand and ignored my increasing weight. First I was on holidays, then it was Easter, then I had a new house to organise, so the last thing I had time to worry about was healthy eating and exercise. So I kept telling myself anyway...

 

 

 

 

I have finally emerged from my denial and realised that I have stacked on the weight and none of my clothes fit me and I feel terrible. In the past this realisation would mean that I would go on a diet and lose some weight and eventually start to feel good about my body. Then inevitably my mind would say 'wow, you're so hot now, you don't need to diet, you should eat 17,000 calories a day. Then I would just keep eating until I could take no more and I started hating myself again.

 

Up and down on the rollercoaster over and over and over again. It is so bloody exhausting.

 

I do think that I am very slowly learning from my mistakes. It was only 5 years ago that I was eating drive-thru food almost every night. I thought healthy eating was only chicken breast, broccoli and starvation. I thought exercise was 2 hours at the gym every day or it wasn't worth doing. I thought if I ate one jelly bean that I had to eat 4 packets of jelly beans.

Over the past 5 years I have gradually introduced a healthier lifestyle that involves being more active, eating foods that fuel my body and some sense of balance when it comes to eating 'good' and 'bad' foods. I am by no means perfect, or even close to it, but I do know what I have to work on.

What I do right

Eat a healthy and balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner
Ever since I got the lap band, savoury food has lost some of its appeal to me. I am happy to eat good healthy foods most of the time, it's just the sweets I have trouble with!

Drink 1-2 litres of water per day
This is easy for me, I drink lots of water at work, and if I don't, I get very thirsty.

Drink alcohol only once per week
I am not the type of person to have a glass of wine or two on a week night, instead I'll normally have one big night with friends or family and drink 2 3 bottles of wine on a Friday night. I know that is not any better, but I'll still count it as a plus!

Keep my lap band at a level that stops me binging on fast food
My band could be tighter, but it is tight enough that it stops me contemplating getting pizza or any other takeaway because it would just be too annoying to eat.

What needs work

Exercise 30 minutes per day
Yeah, this is a tough one. I get motivated some days, but it is never going to be easy. I am not sure if I will ever consistently do this (without being miserable).

Stick to my goals on weekends
I used to always allow myself one cheat meal on a weekend and could get right back on track after that. Lately, my treat meal has been turning into a treat weekend because there has been so much going on. I think I'll be able to get this working again, I just need to focus.

Keep my body functioning so that I can exercise
My stupid plantar fasciitis has made this extremely difficult. I have had two cortisone injections in my heel, but I need another one and I have ignored it because it scares me so much. I did get brave and try and book an appointment with my doctor earlier this week, but she is on holidays for 3 weeks, so I will do it when she gets back.

Don’t eat in the middle of the night
I have had pretty severe insomnia for the past 12 months and during that time I have started eating in the middle of the night. I would lay awake for hours and the only thing that would soothe me is food. I am trying really hard to break this habit, but when you are exhausted it is very difficult to remain strong. The insomnia is due to my anxiety/depression medication so I will make an appointment to see my doctor to see if I can chnge it because it can't continue.

Don’t use my emotions as an excuse to eat
Hmmm, I saved the worst until last. I don't have the answers for this one just yet. I'll just have to keep working on it.

6 Months Post Body Lift

Today is 6 months since the best day of my entire life-- my body lift surgery. It is, without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done for myself. While the physical benefits of the surgery have been immense, it is the mental benefits that I appreciate even more.

The two overwhelming emotions that I had about my excess skin was shame and fear. I was ashamed of my body and lived in constant fear that my 'secret' would be found out. I went to elaborate (and often painful and expensive) lengths to hide my skin. Now that is has been removed I just feel so free and like a massive weight has been lifted (pun intended!).

I don't have to constantly worry about my top coming up and exposing the bulge of skin tucked into my pants or if it is a windy day and my dress clings to my stomach and shows the outline of the hanging skin. I can get changed in a store change room without holding the door closed in case someone comes in and happily have spa treatments with my girlfriends without the stress of keeping my stomach hidden. I can dance and exercise without the skin flopping around and I can even feel sexy and beautiful on the odd occassion!

I just feel normal for the first time in my life and I am thankful for my surgery every single day.

Before

 

After

On holidays in Thailand in March

Acceptance

It doesn't seem to matter how much weight you lose, for some of us, that body hatred doesn't just go away. I can look at my before and after pictures and see that I have lost a massive amount of weight, yet some days, I still feel like it will never be enough.

Despite losing weight, unfortunately I am not going to magically love my body and let go of the 25+ years of self-loathing. I don't want to hate my body anymore and I wish I didn't hate it before I lost weight too.

I am finding that learning to love my body is something I have to actively work on every day. I am trying to do this by:

• Eating foods that make me feel energised, satisfied and happy
• Wearing clothes that make me feel confident and attractive
• Not weighing myself
• Exercising to make my body feel stronger and not depleting it of all energy and strength
• Accepting my body for the way it looks today and not how it could look in the future

Sometimes ice cream helps too...


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Post-Op Swelling

Last Friday night I spent my first night in the new house I have recently built. I won't actually be moving in there (my mum is) but I needed to spend the weekend there to deal with all the tradies that were coming by to do the driveway, light installations, deliveries and curtain measurements. I don't actually have any furniture in the house yet, but I thought I would be fine to sleep on the floor. What a mistake...

I should have remembered that I am still sore and swollen from body lift surgery and that I selected the cheapest carpet option for the house, so I was essentially sleeping on a concrete slab. Not only have I been in a world of pain since then, I have been super swollen. You should see the marks my knickers are leaving on me from digging into my swollen hips and back.

My 'bed' on the floor

 

Anyway, this new swelling reminded me to post some of my attempts at reducing my swelling after I first had my body lift surgery.

The first thing I tried was a 3 day juice cleanse. I had read that increasing fluids and fruits and vegetables could help the process and I figured it might also help shift a bit of post-Christmas weight too. There was one particular juice cleanse that I had seen positively reviewed on a few Australian blogs last year so I thought I would give it a try-- even though it was very expensive.

Oh my god, big lesson learnt, do not always trust reviews from people who are paid to give them. Not only were the juices revolting, but I was S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G! This is coming from someone who has survived 8 weeks on optifast shakes.

I only lasted through to dinner time on the first day and then I gave up and the rest of the juices went in the bin. Not only were the juices a big waste of money, they also screwed me around big time. I had to leave work at 3.00 pm for my scheduled delivery time of 4.00 - 6.00 pm. After numerous phonecalls the juices were finally delivered at 11.45 pm. So I had to leave work early for no reason, wait around the house almost 6 hours and then stay up till late (on a work night) to get these stupid things. Not a great experience!

This was the first one I tried, cos lettuce and avocado, or something disgusting like that!

I had much higher hopes for my next attempt at reducing my swelling because it all sounded very scientific. I purchased one of those Groupon like email deals that go around for lymphatic activation that promised the following:

 

Your first hour-long session, combined with a second 45-minute treatment, will activate your lymphatic system (a small network of vessels and nodes) to stimulate circulation, detoxify the body and release fluid. Using three revolutionary machines, the treatments assist with weight loss, provide pain and stress relief and ensure you get a fantastic night's sleep.

 

I like to think of myself as open minded, but this treatment seemed to be a lot of hocus pocus. First the guy gave me a presentation on how jumping on a special little trampoline every day can cure cancer and actually cured a baby who was brain dead. Funnily enough, I could buy one from him for hundreds of dollars...

 

Next up he measured my energy on what I can only describe as a lightsaber, that he was then able to tell me how he could sell me supplements to help me with whatever was wrong with my energy (I can't remember what he said was wrong with me anymore).

 



Me with the 'lightsaber'



Finally, I was put inside a SOQI bed for half an hour that was supposed to assist with lymphatic activation. It was actually quite relaxing laying on the bed under the heat lamps with my legs being vibrated. I have doubts that it did anything for me because I didn't feel any different, but maybe if I took all those supplements, jumped on the little trampoline, and purchased the 10 week course of treatments that the guy recommended it would work... or maybe not.

 

The SOQI bed

In the end, I think the only thing that really works for swelling after surgery seems to be wearing the compression garments, resting and eating a healthy diet. Oh and not doing anything stupid like sleeping on a cement slab!

A Much Needed Fill

I hadn't had my lap band properly filled back up since I had fluid removed for my body lift surgery. It was so much fun eating normal foods and being able to eat with friends and family without the fear of getting food stuck in the band. Alas, I have stacked on the weight big time!

I was going to go into all the individual reasons why I have gained weight, but it's basically because I have an eating disorder and I will eat and eat and eat until I am physically sick. It's such a horrible disorder to have-- the panic over making sure you will have enough food, the sneaking around so people don't see how much you are eating and then the self-hatred afterwards. So I am hoping that adding some fluid to my band will help me.

I went to a local GP who does fills for free, rather than my band clinic which is too annoying to get to, and had 0.3 mls added. This give me 5.8 mls in a 10 ml lap band. One scary thing to note is that the doctor really struggled to find my port to give me the fill. My body lift surgery has caused all the scars from the lap band surgery to move, which makes it difficult for doctors to know where my port is located. He thought my bottom rib was the port, but luckily I spoke up (for once) and said that it didn't feel right. Phew!

I can feel the difference the fill has made, but I am still one hungry little hippo. So now I am contemplating going back for more fluid next week. Which will put me in an awkward place where my band is too tight for regular healthy foods and make eating normally in restaurants with friends difficult... but will hopefully help somewhat with the hunger.

I feel almost scared by how much I want to eat, but I hate the limitations it puts on eating lean meats and vegetables when it is tight. I don't have the answers*. I guess I just need to choose the lesser of two evils...

* When I wrote that I got the Mad About You theme song stuck in my head.

5 Months Post Body Lift

On the 6th April 2013 it was 5 months since I had my body lift surgery. I don't have anything new to report, but I did want to give an update on how I am feeling now.

I am still a little tender on my lower back. When I press on the area it feels like I am bruised, but it doesn't stop me doing much. The other place I am a little tender is my outer thighs and they still hurt when I try to jog (which is not something I try often). I think these areas are still sore from the lipo because neither area had any incisions.

The incision around my body really doesn't hurt at all and it has stayed 100% healed. I am still quite numb for about two inches above my scar and 1 inch below it on my stomach area. I know that there is a possibility that some numbness will stay forever, but this really doesn't bother me at all and I barely notice it.

To give you an idea of how I am moving about these days, I just returned from a 2 week trip to Thailand where I was able to swim, snorkle, walk up steep jungle hills, hoist myself in and out of boats and keep up with my 3 holiday companions. I will say that I noticed a huge loss in ab strength, but I think this might be my fault because I wasn't able to do many ab work outs in the last few months because my lower back has been too tender. I really need to work on this because having an active holiday really shows you how much you depend on your abs to support you in everything you do.

I stopped wearing my silicone tape around my scar before I went on holidays to Thailand. I knew that it wouldn't stay on with all the swimming I would be doing so I took it off and I haven't missed it at all. I think you can continue to wear the tape longer to help with scarring, but I am already really happy with how my scar looks.

I still have no regrets about having the surgery and am thankful every day for the freedom it has given me. I do still sometimes go to reach for my stomach skin because I was so used to having it hanging off me. I guess it's like losing a limb... but in a good way! One of my favourite things since having the surgery is not having to dry underneath my stomach after I have a shower. It is just the best feeling in the world!

I do still really want to have the upper body lift surgery now, but it is not even on my financial radar at the moment. I think it is approximately $10,000 out of pocket and since I have just built a new house I am completely tapped out of cash. I have been trying to get a better paying job for a while, but that hasn't happened, so my next step is to look for part time work that I can do outside my regular job to save some money for the surgery. Obviously I would not have spent money on a trip to Thailand if I had known I needed more surgery, but that is too late now!

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I can't bear to post more nudey before and after pictures so please see my 4 month update if you are interested and just reading this for the first time!

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Home From Thailand

I arrived home today from an amazing 2 week holiday in Thailand. I promise to bore you silly with my travel photos very soon, but right now I need a little sleep!

Tomorrow I finally get to pick up the keys to my newly built house and so I have a million and one things to do to get in move-in ready for my mum. Not to mention that I have 2 weeks of TV to catch up on and no clean underwear... Thank god for the up-coming Easter long weekend!

A few photos for now...

AJ, me, Connie & Ashton at our resort in Koh Samui

Sunset in Koh Samui

Me in the pool in our villa in Koh Tao

Drinking buckets with Connie in Koh Tao

Koh Tao

Drinking in Bangkok

Overwhelmed

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Oh boy, it has been a pretty full on couple of weeks! I swear my life seems to abide by the 'it never rains, but it pours' policy.

First there was my body lift surgery follow up appointment on Tuesday where I received the news that further surgery was recommended. Since then my mind has been full of surgery quotes, health insurance item numbers and bank loans. Should I? Shouldn't I? Yes, No, Maybe. I am so confused!

Work has been unusually manic with a massive event that has kept me busier than I have been in the past two years. I don't mind being busy at work, it is just a pain when it means having to work late. I have an extremely busy reality television schedule right now and I don't want to have to choose between My Kitchen Rules, Masterchef and The Block... This is a choice that no reality TV addict wants to make!

Then house stuff decides to explode as well. The lease on my apartment comes up for renewal this week and I have had to negotiate a new lease and do my best to talk my real estate down from a big rent increase. Luckily I talked her down to $10 per week and signed the new lease today. Phew, I just couldn't handle having to move yet again.

The big house news is that the house I am building is almost finished!!! Yesterday I had to go to Drysdale (90 minutes away) and do the final inspection with the builder. Then in two weeks we will get the keys and my mum can move in. There is still a lot of work for me to do now and this week I have been busily organising the driveway, fencing, lighting, curtains, garden etc. I really couldn't be happier with how the whole process has gone, there were some bumps along the road, but nothing in comparison to the horror building stories I have heard. Here is a little sneak peak on how it is looking...

On top of all this, AJ started a new job this year and has been busy working long hours while he settles in. Then, in the one week, he received two very good job offers out of the blue and he has been all in a tizz trying to work out what he should do. We both have so much on our minds that we have barely spoken two words to each other because we are busy staring off into space thinking and worrying!

Finally, we go on holidays to Thailand for two weeks on Tuesday, which is amazing, but requires a lot of organisation. My head is swarming with printing ticket confirmations, downloading kindle books, getting my eyebrows waxed, getting a pedicure, locating my passport, buying power adapters, getting money exchanged, buying immodium, thinking about what to pack, and the million other things on my list of things to do before we go away.

Obviously I can't complain about going on holidays at all, but with everything going on my anxiety has reared it's ugly head and I have been feeling more than a bit overwhelmed. Of course, because my lap band is a little bitch and can sense my anxiety, it decides to shut up shop and make it impossible for me to eat much more than ice cream. Oh well, lucky Melbourne is in the midst of a heat wave and the ice cream is going down a treat!

So, nothing bad is going on right now, in fact a lot of great things are happening, but anxiety doesn't recognise this and just casts a great big dark shadow of insomnia, nausea, negativity and panic over me. Hopefully this will all fade away when I am sipping cocktails by the pool in Thailand...

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4 Months Post Body Lift

Today is exactly 4 months since I had body lift surgery. I would say I feel 95% recovered, with just some minor swelling and tenderness lingering.

Having the body lift surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I know my body is far from perfect, but I feel normal for the first time in my life. I didn't realise how much fear and anxiety I carried around with that extra skin. I just feel so much lighter in every way possible.

Warning: These before and after pictures are probably not something you want appearing on your screen at work... or in any public place!

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4 MONTHS POST BODY LIFT SURGERY

BEFORE BODY LIFT SURGERY